Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children, by Allison Bottke
READER TESTIMONIALS
A day seldom goes by when we don't receive email from readers whose lives have been changed by Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. Below are a few samples.
Diane:
Just a note to let you know how much my husband and I appreciate your support group. Not a meeting has gone by that you haven't said something that just clicks with us. While our stories seem different in so many ways, what you said last night about doing all the right things and believing that the outcome was guaranteed could have been my words exactly. While my family doesn't struggle with drugs or jail (our daughter struggles with porn, money irresponsibility and the "demon" boyfriend) the pain feels just as real. I suppose the Y in SANITY is hard for many with the "mama bear" mentality, but your calm manner and instruction style have really been a blessing.
Vickie K.
Allison,
I just want to thank you for writing this book. A friend gave me this book last night and I just finished reading it. My daughter is in so many ways just like your son. I have felt for 3 years that I have been all alone in my struggle with her. We have no support groups where I live and I have blamed myself as being a bad mother. My daughter is a recovering heroin addict. She has used and abused us so bad. She is currently in so much trouble with debt, but she has the "I Don't Care Attitude." I pray that God will bless your ministry and I hope that someday I can help someone, like you have helped me, through reading this book. You are a precious gift from God. Thank you again for your encouraging words and especially for showing me that I am not alone.
May God Richly Bless You, J. C.
My husband and I were in the SANITY support group, and it has made quite a difference in our lives. At the first meeting I started to have a glimmer of hope, first time in 4 years of watching and enabling my son as he continued to struggle with addiction and bad behavior. Not always easy or steady, though. At about the 5th meeting, things in our home got quite a bit worse...
We leaned on others in the group as they shared storied that were so similar to ours. Evidently there are a lot of us sharing this agony, and it breaks it down as we share each others' burdens and lift each other up in prayer.
A huge blessing in this, also, was that my husband has now been in a real church, something I had never thought would happen... Such evidence of God's love and grace... to take something as awful as a child's addiction and use it for some good!
Thank you for hosting this at the church, giving us a place to learn about the program and to support each other.
D in MN
I heard your Focus on the Family a few days ago and bought the book Saturday - halfway through it already. I logged onto settingboundaries.com and clicked on the you tube link for the "Hey Dude, Where's My Car? - Episode 10 - 6 Steps to SANITY by Allison Bottke," video.
Oh my gosh! If I didn't know it wasn't my own son sitting there saying those words (that I have heard from him almost exactly the same words before) I would think it WAS him.
I'm excited about being able to let go and know I'm not a bad parent, but also concerned, scared, worried at the same time. I already feel like a weight has begun to be lifted. I am so glad I heard you on the radio, found your book and website.
Thank you so much, L.W.
Dear Allison: I and my wife have read through your book once. I plan to read through it a second time. The book is priceless... can't believe it was only $12.00. You have brought Sanity into our home after so long having chaos. Thank you and God richly bless you! M.D.
Allison: Just wanted to thank you so much for writing the book, Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children. I bought the book from a book store here in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada and I read it out loud word for word with my husband on a Saturday and it took us 8 hours with some breaks! We are Christian parents and could not put the book down because it related so much to what we had gone thru and are going thru. I am now re reading your book and high lighting what I can for quick helps. Thanks & God bless, M.
Dear Allison, Couldn't wait to finish reading your book (Setting Boundaries . . .) before I thanked you for it. I have felt so alone for so long - so guilty, never being able to do enough for mistakes I have made with my children, but constantly trying. And just making things worse. Your book is the first book I have come across that nailed what I am going through. I thank God for you and for this book. Thanks again! M.W.
Allison: I was so relieved at what you had to say on TBN about adult children that don't grow up. I am a single grandmother and since my child is very emotionally crippled, helping her take of her children has been a drain on me. I have been going to personal counseling since about the middle of December. My counselor suggested that I find a support group already set up on line.--do you know of any? Thanks so much. J.B.
Dear Ms. Bottke: This is to thank you for writing Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. I discovered the book on Amazon.com, in a recent desperate search for help when my wife and I were in yet another crises situation with our adult son. While severe and stressful to us, our situation pales in comparison to your personal experience, and the many heartbreaking examples in your book.
Still, with the newfound knowledge obtained from reading your book, the help of a very competent and caring counselor, and the support from each other, we managed our way through. It wasn't easy; but, as your book informs, it was necessary if we were going to stop stunting our son's growth as an adult and take our own lives back.
There are many excellent points in your book. For us, two key points led the list. First, we needed to accept responsibility for our own actions by acknowledging the poor parenting decisions we had made, and apologize to our son for that, which we have done. We started with your sample script (p.94) and made it our own in a letter to our son. Second, we need to accept our son for who he is, while stopping our enabling behavior. Again, that is not easy. But, as you point out, our prayer is that in the course of our new journey, our son will find his way as well; and, that we all will live our lives in peace and happiness.
With the help of your book, our counselor, each other, and God - yes there was and continues to be a great deal of prayer - we have stopped our enabling behavior while, thankfully, maintaining a strong, loving relationship with our son. God bless you, L.D.
Dear Allison,I came home today from seeing my son who is in Prison. He has been locked up for 2 years now,( 3-27 is 2 year anniversary of arrest date) I have been through so much pain and suffering over the past 3 or more years over his drug addictions and crimes that at times my heart hurt so bad that I just didn't think I could ever go on with my own life. Today I saw you on the TBN channel, I had this overwhelming need to share with you and thank God for people like you that help us know we are not alone. The Lord has lifted me out of my heart ache over the last 2 years and he gives me the strength to let my son make his own mistakes. Today when I saw you God is still talking to me and giving me a mission to help others. One day, soon, I will share my story in a more powerful way, this is my first step. Thank you for your courage to reach out to us in pain. - Respectfully, S.A.
Hi, Allison. I know you are incredibly busy marketing your new book, but I must share God's incredible timing. Last week, I received Setting Boundaries as a review copy for your upcoming blog tour. I started reading it, and during the week - before Friday morning - I read to page 66 and put a bookmark in place for my return.
Today, I can't concentrate long enough to work, so I picked up your book again. Right in the spot where I am - right where I needed it - on page 66- right at the time I needed it. Then, I get word that you wereon Moody today, so I listened to the program. Much of what you said hit home so clearly to me and it was wonderful hearing your voice, filled with hope and joy.As I continue through the grief process, and start putting our lives back in order, I will return to your book again and again. I really hate this tough love stuff - as I know you do, too.
I know that your volume of email will increase by the millions as word of this book gets around, so I wanted to get mine in early, just to say thank you. Thank you for helping me know I'm not alone, and for helping me to realize that I'm not an evil, horrid person for being so tough. Thank you for helping me understand that there is still hope for my son, and that it is okay for me to want a better life.
Itold my husband that I plan to buy a dozen of these books to keep on hand to give away asI hear of other parents hurting. I also want to give some toa few family members who have been extremely critical and harsh with my tough love on my son in the past. Maybe your book will help them understand.May Godcontinue to bless your work and to guide your ministry. T.R.
Allison: I have a very dysfunctional adult child and my story is exactly like yours with the exception of my son getting to the point of murder. I do believe if I do not do something now (he's 24) that it could eventually come to that. He lies consistently he doesn't work, he smokes pot, etc. I have been an enabler all of his life thinking I was saving him from hurt and heartache - not knowing I was the one actually making it worse. I've cleaned up his messes, I've searched for his jobs, I've filled out paperwork he should have filled out, I bought his cars, I paid his insurance, I've washed his clothes....I could go on and on. He has been in jail twice, each time for 30 days for marijuana, flunked out of three colleges, moved to Portland, OR so he could smoke pot and not get thrown in jail (rules aren't as strict as Texas) etc. THEN I went to the computer and typed in cutting apron strings from adult child and a link to your website came up with a copy of SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR ADULT CHILD book listed on it. I immediately picked up the phone and found a copy of the book in Barnes and Noble and drove to the store and bought it. I sat in the bookstore reading the book and crying - feeling like it was my story and also my heart breaking for you as a mother. I finished the book the next day and let me tell you - I felt so empowered and still do. I will read it over and over again daily to make sure I keep everything fresh in my mind and keep reminding myself not to let fear keep me from doing the right thing and letting him take responsibility for his own actions and accept the consequences without me intervening. I do feel the need to start a support group in our area but feel I'm not quite ready to do so yet because I haven't completely gone through the entire process with my son . I don't know if I am qualified enough. I have set boundaries and are living by them, but still going through pain as you can imagine, but with the knowledge that God has a plan for all of us and I have to step out of the way. I don't know how to begin to thank you for writing this book from a mother's perspective. I feel God used you and still is to help so many others and I would like to join you in helping others in my area. Please email me back if you have the time. I would very much appreciate your input. I feel like I know you and love you. God bless you and your entire family (especially your son). M.S. (suburbs of Houston, TX)
Allison, You are an excellent radio guest. Bright. Cheerful. Articulate. Informed. And best of all...real. I loved your transparency and real life humor! And so did our listeners! Our phone lines were full...and we had a significant number of post-interview emails asking how/where people could get a copy of Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children.I'd love to have you back. You are welcome anytime! Blessings, Neil PS My wife and I are reading your book! (Our kids are 21, 19 and 16). |
